With a new week comes, hopefully, a new attitude -I've been very tired today, probably down to the fact that Steve's anti-sickness drugs come with "euphoria" as a main side effect, resulting in me being nudged several times between 2.00 and 6.00 this morning, along with the words "what shall we do?!"
It's the middle of the night. SLEEP is what we will do. But I just can't help finding it endearing, and end up responding with something like "word association game! Duck."
Needless to say, I am exhausted. But I feel a bit better this week, and have realised that even if we're wide awake throughout the night because of the weird and not so wonderful side effects, I don't resent him for one second, and we always end up in fits of giggles over something regardless of what time it might be.
I'm quite looking forward to tomorrow. Steve is one of those annoying people with a birthday on 22nd December, so tomorrow I'll be starting Christmas and birthday shopping. The only problem is I want to buy him everything. Things I know he wants (hardly anything) as well as things I know he'll probably have no use for at all. I'm really excited! Not that this has any relevance to... anything really. I'm just excited and wanted to share. Yay!
Just a short one today because I have a chocolate orange in the fridge and a lovely euphoric man pestering me for entertainment. I just wanted to let everyone know that we're both okay, because I was such a mess yesterday... but really, we're fine :)
I love you all. Xx
Monday 26 November 2012
Sunday 25 November 2012
Chemo #2 and a bit of a whinge...
Hmmmm... Interesting couple of weeks.
Chemo #2 happened yesterday - Steve feels slightly worse this time than he did the first round, but is more fed up than anything. He's irritated that he can't even open the fridge without his face immediately stinging with pins and needles, and that we couldn't go for lunch with all our friends today because he feels sick and cold. He's not in loads of pain thank goodness, just very uncomfortable.
The chemo ward has to be the chirpiest ward at the Royal Bournemouth Hospital though - the fun we have! Honestly. It's not our first choice of places to be at 9.00 on a Saturday morning, but we already feel like we've made friends out of the staff and other patients. Everyone is so chatty and upbeat, you wouldn't think they're all being pumped full of chemicals.
I've been ridiculously emotional this last week and I have absolutely no idea why. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened, but every day I've just wanted to scream.
I'm keeping as calm and composed as possible because the last thing I want is for Steve to know that I've had a tough couple of days. He is my priority and I refuse to let him worry about me, he's got enough on his plate.
I don't know if I was just getting worked up over the looming chemotherapy, knowing that my boy would be poorly for a good 10 days - or if it was people constantly wanting to know every single detail of our situation. Or if it's the pressure of trying to plan a wedding, move house and beat cancer all at the same time.
Whatever it is, I feel like I've hit breaking point this week. Except I haven't. I know I haven't - and I know I won't, because I need to keep being okay for my Steve. I just feel really angry with cancer.
I feel angry that me and Steve had only been together a few months when this thing reared it's head. I'm angry that the person I love more than anything in the world has to suffer. I'm angry that I can't do anything but sit and watch while he suffers. I'm angry that we have to plan everything we do for the next 6 months around chemo. I'm angry that we can't get a decent night's sleep anymore. I'm angry that I get sympathetic looks around the office (although I'd probably be the worst culprit for that if someone else was in our situation). I'm angry that just as some happiness came my way, someone up there decided they might not let me have it after all.
I don't want to sound like I'm just having a moan though - there are also a million things I'm so thankful for. I'm thankful I've found my best friend and love of my life, cancer aside. I'm thankful that this cancer can, and will be beaten. I'm thankful to all the amazing people who have helped us in every way possible. I'm thankful for the incredible support network I've found because of this - people I truly consider my friends. I'm thankful for the things I've learnt about myself over the last few months. I'm thankful that my boy will never doubt how much I love him.
It breaks my heart that this is happening to us, but we're a team and I know we'll get through it.
Chemo #2 happened yesterday - Steve feels slightly worse this time than he did the first round, but is more fed up than anything. He's irritated that he can't even open the fridge without his face immediately stinging with pins and needles, and that we couldn't go for lunch with all our friends today because he feels sick and cold. He's not in loads of pain thank goodness, just very uncomfortable.
The chemo ward has to be the chirpiest ward at the Royal Bournemouth Hospital though - the fun we have! Honestly. It's not our first choice of places to be at 9.00 on a Saturday morning, but we already feel like we've made friends out of the staff and other patients. Everyone is so chatty and upbeat, you wouldn't think they're all being pumped full of chemicals.
I've been ridiculously emotional this last week and I have absolutely no idea why. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened, but every day I've just wanted to scream.
I'm keeping as calm and composed as possible because the last thing I want is for Steve to know that I've had a tough couple of days. He is my priority and I refuse to let him worry about me, he's got enough on his plate.
I don't know if I was just getting worked up over the looming chemotherapy, knowing that my boy would be poorly for a good 10 days - or if it was people constantly wanting to know every single detail of our situation. Or if it's the pressure of trying to plan a wedding, move house and beat cancer all at the same time.
Whatever it is, I feel like I've hit breaking point this week. Except I haven't. I know I haven't - and I know I won't, because I need to keep being okay for my Steve. I just feel really angry with cancer.
I feel angry that me and Steve had only been together a few months when this thing reared it's head. I'm angry that the person I love more than anything in the world has to suffer. I'm angry that I can't do anything but sit and watch while he suffers. I'm angry that we have to plan everything we do for the next 6 months around chemo. I'm angry that we can't get a decent night's sleep anymore. I'm angry that I get sympathetic looks around the office (although I'd probably be the worst culprit for that if someone else was in our situation). I'm angry that just as some happiness came my way, someone up there decided they might not let me have it after all.
I don't want to sound like I'm just having a moan though - there are also a million things I'm so thankful for. I'm thankful I've found my best friend and love of my life, cancer aside. I'm thankful that this cancer can, and will be beaten. I'm thankful to all the amazing people who have helped us in every way possible. I'm thankful for the incredible support network I've found because of this - people I truly consider my friends. I'm thankful for the things I've learnt about myself over the last few months. I'm thankful that my boy will never doubt how much I love him.
It breaks my heart that this is happening to us, but we're a team and I know we'll get through it.
Friday 9 November 2012
Chemo and other fun...
Oh my goodness, lots to catch up on!
My birthday getaway turned out to be a trip to a 5* hotel in Chelsea with a lovely shopping trip (when I grow up I want to live in Selfridges) which was amazing, although the best part of my surprise was a beautiful engagement ring! The last couple of weeks have been spent visiting venues and buying every wedding magazine I can find. I'm a very excited girl!
Chemo started last Saturday - I could feel how nervous Steve was on the way to the hospital but yet again he amazed me with his courage and positive attitude.
It was all a bit nerve wracking and there was a lot of information to take in, but we were out of the hospital within 2 and a half hours - he'd managed fine until the last 15 minutes where the cannula was causing him a lot of pain but other than that he was brilliant.
He's since had chronic pins and needles everywhere including in his throat. He's been very sensitive to the cold and has felt quite sick, but that's all so far and the last couple of days he's felt much better.
It's horrible leaving in the mornings to go to work when he isn't well - I've been putting all his clothes, including gloves, socks and hat on the radiator as soon as I get up so they're nice and toasty for him when he gets up, making hot water bottles and boiling a full kettle before I leave so if they get too cold he won't have to wait long until there is plenty of hot water for a new one. I'm so paranoid that he's going to get too cold and have these horrible pins and needles!
Not much more to update you all on at the moment, will write again after next chemo!
Lots of love Xx
My birthday getaway turned out to be a trip to a 5* hotel in Chelsea with a lovely shopping trip (when I grow up I want to live in Selfridges) which was amazing, although the best part of my surprise was a beautiful engagement ring! The last couple of weeks have been spent visiting venues and buying every wedding magazine I can find. I'm a very excited girl!Chemo started last Saturday - I could feel how nervous Steve was on the way to the hospital but yet again he amazed me with his courage and positive attitude.
It was all a bit nerve wracking and there was a lot of information to take in, but we were out of the hospital within 2 and a half hours - he'd managed fine until the last 15 minutes where the cannula was causing him a lot of pain but other than that he was brilliant.
He's since had chronic pins and needles everywhere including in his throat. He's been very sensitive to the cold and has felt quite sick, but that's all so far and the last couple of days he's felt much better.
It's horrible leaving in the mornings to go to work when he isn't well - I've been putting all his clothes, including gloves, socks and hat on the radiator as soon as I get up so they're nice and toasty for him when he gets up, making hot water bottles and boiling a full kettle before I leave so if they get too cold he won't have to wait long until there is plenty of hot water for a new one. I'm so paranoid that he's going to get too cold and have these horrible pins and needles!
Not much more to update you all on at the moment, will write again after next chemo!
Lots of love Xx
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